


Draco Malfoy: babysitter.

by twistedmiracle



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Complete, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-26
Updated: 2011-12-26
Packaged: 2017-10-28 03:44:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/303371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twistedmiracle/pseuds/twistedmiracle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Who made <i>him</i> the head of the Auror department, again?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Draco Malfoy: babysitter.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cryptaviscus](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=cryptaviscus).



> **To:** cryptaviscus for hds_beltane.  
>  **Pairing:** Harry/Draco pre-slash  
>  **Rating:** PG-13  
>  **Warnings:** Nothin'  
>  **Request:** "H/D please (as friendship or slash) UST is awesome. … the boys remain as much in character as possible. … Bonus points for humor and wit. … AU or Canon is okay. … Auror fics … are [in] my top two … cliches.  
>  **Author's Note:** This exists thanks to a suggestion from pushdragon. Blame her. ;)

"Your honor--"

Harry felt a muted tap on his right hand. He assumed his barrister meant it as a reminder to stay silent. If so, it was completely unnecessary.

"--of course I don't want my marriage to end!"

If he'd harbored any last doubt that his wife had lost her ever-loving mind, it had evaporated when she'd chosen to represent herself in their divorce.

"But sir," Ginny paced restlessly in front of Judge Farnham. "Harry doesn't understand the importance of faith." Her triple-layered floating robes began to cascade a distracting pattern of rainbows and hunting centaurs.

"He doesn't understand the beauty of God. He wants me to shackle myself to our home, to be with him and the children.

"But how can you fail to see the necessity of my far reaching travel?" She stopped pacing to cast a searching look at Farnham -- who looked, Harry thought, like he was trying not to react. "I can see the magical, ancient wisdom in your eyes."

Her every choice since then (clothing, speech patterns, celibacy) had only reinforced his new, unpleasant understanding of her.

"I _know_ you will grant me this painful freedom from my beloved husband and three beautiful children in order to travel with Luna Lovegood's group of new age transcendentalist Hindo-Zoroastrian Amphitritian witches and bring our new religion to the deluded, miserable masses.

"Your honor." She paused and looked briefly over one shoulder to glare at Harry, as though his presence was a deterrent to the judge's comprehension. "They _need_ us!"

She sipped at her water and managed to flirt with the ice. Celibacy suited that woman like suntan lotion on a polar bear. Harry was going to miss her in the bedroom. Everywhere else, however…

"I _know_ you will understand that in order to follow my true calling, I must have complete access to all of the resources Harry promised to share with me when we married under the stars! I _know_ you will release me from these false bonds that constrain my true purpose and frustrate my service to the Secret Over-Angel of the Great Deep Lord!"

Ginny bowed deeply, then wafted to her chair like a falling leaf. The judge seemed momentarily caught by an arrow from one of Ginny's galloping centaurs, then called the proceedings over for the day. Harry's barrister promised that things would wrap up soon. Probably tomorrow.

Harry had worked hard to appear the very pinnacle of conservative, normal, and dedicated to his children throughout the proceedings. The strain was starting to get to him. Thankfully, when they met the next morning, Judge Farnham saw things Harry's way and gave him the house, sole custody, and all of their money.

Not that Ginny had brought any money to the marriage anyway.

But Harry wasn't bitter.

For a couple of years, things went acceptably well. He found a good prep school and enrolled all three children. He paid extra for early morning care, and hired a sweet and smart young squib to pick up the rest of the slack. Still, even baby sitters take vacations, get sick and have emergencies, and when he finally got off work he would often have to pick the children up at Arthur and Molly's, or Bill and Fleur's, or George and Pat's. He'd have been absolutely sunk without the Weasley family, and he knew it.

Ginny fluttered in without warning every six or ten months "to see her beautiful babies" and never seemed to notice how much they all hated being called babies. The children always thought they were glad to see her again. Until their mother spent the entire visit proselytizing.

Harry would find himself muttering under his breath as he tidied the kitchen or read the paper to give the four of them space. "Would it kill you to ask about James' new potions kit? Albus fell this morning. Did you truly not notice the purple Hello Kitty plaster he insisted on wearing? And have you even the slightest idea who Lily's new best friend is?"

They were all relieved when these stilted visits were over.

And then Harry found himself in a child care bind for the very first time.

*

He knelt in front of the fireplace on a Saturday morning, in one of the more surreal conversations he'd ever held with the head of the Auror department. And since that was now Dedalus Diggle, that was saying something.

"No Sir, I simply can't." He tried to surreptitiously remove the crown of toilet paper rolls that Lily had lovingly placed on his head shortly before Diggle's face had appeared in the Floo.

"But you simply must, Potter." Diggle was unperturbed, despite the green flames licking his face. Of course, he wasn't a father.

"Sir, there is no one to watch my three small children. I can't leave them alone, my oldest isn't even eight years old yet!"

"I thought you had a nanny." The man actually had the gall to look bored. "Not to mention a large coterie of relatives on their mother's side."

"I _do_ have a steady sitter, but she's taking care of her sick sister. I can't risk the children getting exposed to Loser's Lurgy. And, _not that it is any of your business_ " he grumbled quietly, "but their Uncle Bill and Aunt Fleur have taken the rest of the Weasley clan on a Greek island cruise that I simply couldn't get holiday leave for, perhaps you recall my multiple requests? That you turned down?"

"Then I suggest you call Malfoy."

Harry stared blankly into the green fire.

"Draco Malfoy, Mr. Potter? I believe you've heard of him? My latest hire from the training academy? Top marks? Head of his class? I think you went to Hogwarts—"

"Yes sir, yes." Harry finally cut the man off. "Since Malfoy is such a crack Auror, perhaps _he_ could fill in at this last minute meeting?"

"No dice, Potter. I need a man with experience on this case. And Malfoy is always eager to do whatever I ask of him. Seems to have something to prove, that one."

"Sir, forgive me for contradicting you, but I find it hard to believe that Malfoy's eagerness to prove himself as an Auror would make him want to watch my three little kids."

"Nonsense." Diggle got that odd look in his eyes that always made Harry's heart sink. He'd now lost any chance to get his way, and he knew it. "Malfoy's a bootlicker and you are due in my office in…" Diggle looked down toward where his wrist probably was; "thirty-five minutes. See you then!" he chirped. He'd actually chirped. Harry pressed his forehead to the floor for a long heartbeat before conceding a full defeat and summoning the Auror directory to look up Malfoy's Floo address.

* *

"Thanks, Malfoy. I really appreciate this. So, uhh, this is Scorpius?"

The Malfoy men were matched and pressed so neatly that Harry was reminded of his divorce. If Harry'd needed to watch four kids he'd have thrown on jeans and an old t-shirt. But Malfoy and his son were both in robes good enough for a Hogwarts interview. Harry almost commented on it before he came to his senses.

"Er… this is the kitchen, and nothing is off limits except the heavy duty cleansers in the cupboard over the stovetop. I've locked my bedroom to keep my children out of there -- nothing to do with you, of course." Harry felt his face heat and turned toward the play room to hide it. He strode to the door and three innocent faces gleamed up at them.

"James, Al, Lily, this is Mr. Malfoy and his son Scorpius. You remember what I told you about work?" His children nodded. Really, they were such good kids.

"This is their primary play space. I suggest that you try to corral them in here. I don't know how long Diggle will keep me, but of course I'll return as soon as possible."

Malfoy nodded stiffly and brushed a bit of hair from his eyes. Harry's gaze fell to the white strip of skin where a wide wedding band should have been, but he managed to stay quiet about it.

"Er, Lily's allergic to strawberries and James is lactose intolerant, but Albus can eat anything. Not that he will, of course…."

"I think I get the main points, Potter. Scorpius, you may join the Potter children in their play room." Scorpius rushed for Al, then stopped himself, looked over a shoulder at his father, and swallowed. Harry looked over at Malfoy but whatever look Scorpius had quailed at was either gone, or meant nothing to Harry. To him Malfoy always looked like he'd swallowed a wand.

"Of course. I'm just a little nervous leaving them with someone they've only just met. I hope they'll behave for you. I gave them quite the stern lecture before you arrived."

Malfoy merely nodded at Harry again, and Harry, feeling ridiculous, nodded back. Then he kissed each of his children once on the head, noted that Al and Scorpius were already getting along well, and headed for his fireplace. He'd never resented Diggle's tendency to ramble on more, and the meeting hadn't even started yet.

* * *

Harry rushed for the Floo, throwing an apology over his arm when he elbowed Platt in his haste. First Egroll was late and everyone had waited around, uselessly eating doughnuts. Then Diggle had dragged the damn discussion on for more than an hour; _then_ had insisted that Harry and Foscue knock out a plan of action for the whole team. He had no idea how Malfoy was faring with four children under eight and he almost didn't want to know.

Normally he Apparated home from work, but the wards on the Auror department prevented that and the office Floo was much closer.

"Kids? James? Mr. Malfoy?" Silence. Shit. He'd only been gone for three hours! Harry scrambled through a pile of hovering blocks toward the play room, and nearly tripped over a meter high book of singing fairytales as he glanced out the window toward the backyard. It was wrecked, but otherwise empty. Where the fuck _were_ they?

"Kids! Malfoy!" He was louder this time.

"Up here, Daddy!"

The voice was too quiet, and Harry mostly took the stairs two at a time, which also helped him avoid the dress-up clothes strewn there. The second floor was equally messy and deserted and he almost panicked until he saw that the stairs to the attic were down. "Kids?"

"We're in the attic with Score and Mr. Malfoy, Daddy."

He was already halfway up the ladder.

Lily, James, Al. Thank everything good, they were all there. Oh, and the two Malfoys as well. Only… they weren't in robes anymore. The father was now in Harry's gardening shorts and an ancient Auror academy t-shirt. Scorpius wore something of Al's. The attic was half unpacked. And the children were covered with dust. Even Malfoy had a smear of something grey-brown in his hair. And Lily on his lap. Maybe this hadn't gone as badly as it looked from the house. He rested his arms on the attic floor and his chin on his hands. He forced a slow breath before he spoke. "Glad I found you. I was starting to wonder where you were."

"We could say the same!" Malfoy's hearty voice sounded a bit false, and Harry could hardly blame him.

"Well, no thanks to our wonderful boss, I'm finally back. I'm sure you'd like to get home, Mr. Malfoy. Can I help you find anything? It looks like you lost your nice robes somewhere." Without waiting for a response, Harry pulled out his wand and levitated Lily out of Malfoy's lap and down to the second floor. She squealed.

Al bounced up, knocking two photo albums to the attic floor. "Do me next, Dad!"

* * * *

It took some doing to get everyone out of the attic and the children busy with sandwiches and juice. "I really owe you, Malfoy. Were my children as bad as it looks?"

Malfoy motioned Harry toward the master bedroom and Harry opened the door for him, assuming that was where Malfoy had left his and Scorpius' robes. It was, and he saw them on the bed right away. But then he saw his porn collection spilled in a perfect waterfall in front of the dresser, where he'd obviously left the magazines stacked a bit precariously. Blushing, he stammered. "Er, right. Looks a bit, like some of my things fell, here. Sorry if they, got in your way?"

When he turned to Malfoy, the man was smirking like a teenager. "I was in rather a hurry when I got in here to borrow some casual clothes, Potter. But I didn't quite expect a stack of bisexual blonde pornography to jump out and try to hump my leg."

Harry rubbed his forehead with his hand, a gesture which hid his eyes. "Right. Moving along. Tell me what my children did to you? I just need to know what they need to be disciplined for."

"You mean, aside from teaching Scorpius mannerisms, jokes and ideas that I'll need Obliviate to get out of his head? You might want to know that your James has a mouth like a sailor. Or that Albus likes to strip. In your backyard. You might want to declare the phrase 'I don't have to cuz you're not my daddy!' off limits. There were… a few other things as well."

Harry stared over the other man's shoulder. "Bugger, Malfoy… I'll make this up to you."

"You certainly will, Potter. Dinner. The finest, most expensive restaurant in London."

"Of course." Harry exhaled. "You choose the restaurant, and I will let the owner know that you and your date are on me. I'll pay the whole bill."

"Oh no, Potter. You misunderstand. _You're_ taking me. To Kay Leergo. Friday, I think."

Harry winced as he recognized the name of the most expensive restaurant in all of wizarding Europe. Getting a table that soon would really require pulling the fame card, which he hadn't felt forced to do in years. Would it even work anymore?

"You… want me to make this up to you with… a date?"

"How else do you expect me to have the time and quiet to tell you all about this day? It's going to take time to really delve into the way my studious, obedient Scorpius has suddenly adopted James' love of that staple of Muggle culture: Godzilla. Or the way Lily _insisted_ on bringing in the tea and then spilled it all over me, necessitating the use of every last squeeze of your best burn healing paste and my trip to your room to borrow your casual clothes.

"And? I recognize a lot of those magazine covers, Harry." Malfoy winked and tossed the robes over his arm as he turned toward the bedroom door. "Come Scorpius! It's time to go home. Now."

Harry stared at the empty fireplace for several moments after the Malfoys Flooed out. He had a restaurant to call. A babysitter to book. And children to speak to. But first, he really needed to stare at the Floo.

_Fin._


End file.
